dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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