@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize