Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
