I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
