I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I think i got beer on your cat.
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