You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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