I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Randomize