i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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