And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
