If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
