I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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