I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Randomize
