he thought i was a dude.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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