Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Shame - the story of my life.
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