hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
