We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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