Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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