She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize