i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
