bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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