it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
