my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
