I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
