Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize