onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
