Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
