I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
