does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
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