hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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