u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Randomize
