Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
