This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
