The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
