I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize