I love black thongs
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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