If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
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