my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
