my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
