My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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