It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
