My nipple is on Facebook.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
