The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
