so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
no, he came in my armpit
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
