The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
