Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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