If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
