you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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