Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
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