Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
