they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
