I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
