that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
