you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
