Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
