The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
