My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
