I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
