I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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