Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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