if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
