Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
