I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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